The next morning I hoped Johnie would make an excuse to cut the trip short and head back to Kansas. I stopped short of suggesting that myself. He did spend a lot of money coming out to meet me. He did buy me jewelry. He did take me out to eat. He couldn't help it that he didn't have "feelings" for me.
On the agenda that day was a trip to Natural Bridge, a local state park that offered amazing views and great hiking. It was still a little chilly. Rain sprinkled the ground and dampness hung in the air. I offered that we didn't have to go, but Johnie was still game and I didn't insist.
The weather matched my mood, and I loved Natural Bridge. I had made many great memories on those trails with family and friends throughout the years and it always made me feel better. Plus, I didn't want to stay cooped up inside all day with my rejector and I was looking forward to some physical exertion to process some of my own feelings and to boost my self confidence again. I was still left shaken from the day before.
Johnie, on the other hand, was visibly shaking. For some reason, today I wasn't quite as sympathetic as I had been the day before at his shivering. We chose a trail to begin our hike, and today I am the one leaving him behind. I allowed myself to selfishly not worry about his thoughts or feelings and pressed on the trail, doing what I felt best for myself at that moment. As we continued up the mountain, it was obvious Johnie was quite impressed with the surroundings. He chattered on and on about how green everything was, how beautiful everything was, seemingly unaffected by having stomped on my heart the day before. I wanted to remain stand-offish, but I began to soften.
I love Kentucky, and Natural Bridge is one of my favorite places. Even though I know it belongs to Kentucky, and ultimately God, I can't help but feel a bit of ownership of that area. I'm proud to show it to people, and love when they are impressed by it as much as I feel they should be. I appreciated that Johnie was in awe. And, I do have to admit, it was a beautiful day on the bridge. Maybe not weather-wise, but the weather had created a fog that settled in the mountains. I had never seen the bridge through a fog, and it was amazing.
As we neared the top, huge sporadic rain drops quickly intensified and turned into hail. Johnie asked if maybe we should huddle under a tree, but I knew we were just a few feet from the bridge itself and a shelter. We ran together the rest of the way, stopping under the shelter, which was being occupied by a group of young boy scouts. I was thankful for them. Their little voices were somewhat scared, somewhat excited by the rain pouring down around us. Plus, when you're on top of a mountain in the middle of a storm, your odds of being okay increase significantly when surrounded by boy scouts, right? I was glad we didn't have to talk, and could be content just listening to their conversations through the storm.
After the rain died down, we headed down the mountain on another trail. I opted for the shortest one to get the hike over with. Turns out whether in an open space or an enclosed one, I was no longer happy to spend time with the person who so adamantly and completely shot me down the day before. I was still reeling from his words.
At one point along the trail, during a portion that necessitated we walk single file, I hear Johnie's voice behind me, "So, what would you have done if I would have kissed you Saturday night?"
Good grief, not this again!
Walking ahead of him, I considered the scenario. My impulse was to say, "I would have slapped your face. I want to turn around and strangle you right now!" But, I reasoned with myself, just as I was currently refraining from choking him, I probably wouldn't have slapped him because of a kiss on Saturday night.
I still didn't want to come off as "easy" though, and was unsure what my response would have been. I thought about Johnie kissing me that night in front of my door. How would I have reacted, honestly? Would I have liked it? Probably it would have been wonderful. Sweet. Amazing. I would have kissed him back.
But, maybe not. It might have been gross. I had kissed and been kissed before. Some were better than others. I might have hated it and wiped my mouth off right in front of him, or made a face. As I considered the possibilities, I decided the best, most honest answer was, "Well, I guess I probably would have let you." Adding silently, a little kiss, not make out.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse between us I hear from behind me, "Like I said last night, I'm glad I didn't kiss you. I mean, I don't know what my problem was. It wasn't a date. We're just friends. And we could never be anything more. I could never date you. We would never work...."
As he began replaying his rejection monologue, I began reconsidering my self-restraint from strangling him. I may be all of the things on his list of reasons why I could never be his girlfriend, but I wasn't deaf, I wasn't stupid, and I did have some self-respect. Yesterday's rejection was bad enough, this was just cruel and uncalled for. No one should have to put up with this! Lady-like manners were tossed aside as I let loose.
I'm not sure where he was at on his list when I loudly interrupted, "That's ridiculous! I'm sorry, but you're just making excuses because you're either too lazy to try or too complacent to care. I mean, it's just ridiculous! If you don't like me, then you don't like me. That's fine. It's okay. I don't need your approval to survive. I'm fine. You can either get through the rest of this trip by being my friend or I can take you to the airport now if you want. I'm just sick and tired of you saying we'll never work. If we'll never work it's because you won't put the effort in to make us work! That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, long distance relationships never work. Some of the best relationships I know of were long distance at some point or another...."
My rant continued for several minutes as I began offering examples of couples I knew who had made happy, long lasting marriages out of hundreds, sometimes even thousands, of miles of separation. Older couples I knew who had been separated by war early on, friends our age whose relationships survived moves, miles, and relocations of various sorts. We continued down the trail, passing others along the way. I didn't care. I was stuck with him on this mountain, and he was stuck getting a piece of my mind!
I ran out of words before I ran out of anger. Tense silence hung between us as I mentally groped for coherent sentences instead of a string of insulting names on the tip of my tongue.
I heard a quiet voice beside me, "I'm willing to give it a shot if you are."
The rock in my stomach did a somersault. My anger-focused mind turned to mush. I was unsure how to react or respond. I was confused. Had I just worn him down? Was he offering a suggestion to get me to shut up and stop embarrassing him? Was he just going to send a break up e-mail after he was safe in Kansas and out of my strangling arms' reach?
Wait a minute. Isn't he the one who just delivered the worst rejection of my life twice in the last 24 hours? I looked at him. He was looking at me. His eyes seemed genuine, maybe hopeful. He even looked a little vulnerable.
I was unsure. I had been wrong about his non-verbal cues before. But wasn't this what I had been asking for in my tirade? A chance to see if we would work? Conflicted, I said, "okay."
It wasn't your typical official start to a dating relationship. I don't remember a lot about the rest of the day, there were no excited smiles or embraces, we weren't giddy, nor did we jump up and down. We internalized our feelings (mine were mostly confusion and unsurity) and finished our hike in silence.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
We will never work...
So by the end of our first day together, I knew I really liked Johnie. I knew there was chemistry, and I knew I felt attraction. What I didn't know was how he felt.
That issue was cleared up for me on Saturday morning. My family had arrived at my apartment, and there was excitement in the air as I prepared for my graduation ceremony. A day I honestly thought I would never achieve.
As I put on make-up and fixed my hair in my bedroom, John visited with my family in the living room. I don't even remember what exactly was going on, or what words were coming out of my mouth, but I was hastily walking from one room to the other having a conversation with my mom. I think I may have needed to ask my grandfather a question about something.
Once in the living room, I think Johnie may have been talking about something. I'm not sure. What I will never forget, what I remember exactly, was that moment where time seemed to pause. Johnie was sitting on a couch in my living room, his elbow resting on the arm rest. His hand stopped in mid air as if he had been in the middle of explaining something. It was one of those moments when our eyes met and the rest of the world around us went a little blurry. He stammered. "Uhhhh... you look pretty."
That was enough. I knew. I knew there was chemistry for him, I knew there was attraction for him. Now, all I had to do was wait patiently (something I am not good at) for him to work up the courage to verbalize it. I didn't know if it would happen during this trip or not. I didn't know when it would happen. I just knew, at some point, we were going to take a shot at making something work between us.
The weekend continued nicely. I graduated. I had a party. Johnie gave me a gold bracelet as a graduation gift. We attended the church meeting in which the preacher, a friend, improvised his lesson to include dating tips for Johnie. (That wasn't embarrassing!) As Saturday night was coming to a close, Johnie said he wasn't ready for it to end. We went to Applebee's. This time it felt like a date. We talked. We laughed. Older couples looked at us and then smiled at each other. It was great.
Sunday was another nice day. The temperature had dropped, but we were still having a good time. Back at the apartment after church we decided to go to Casa, my favorite Mexican restaurant, for lunch. My roommate politely declined our offer for her to join us. While at Casa, we discussed plans for the evening.
Johnie wanted to go bowling. He talked about how he loved to bowl, how he was a bowling instructor for little kids for a short period of time, how he had this special curve ball maneuver that more often than not resulted in a strike. I agreed, but as the meal went on, I became more and more anxious.
I was in a dress and would have to go back to the apartment to change. I had only bowled a couple times and wasn't very good. My bowling strategy was to see how many laughs I could get in my game. Johnie seemed to prefer when I didn't act like a goofball in public. It felt like a recipe for disaster.
Driving away from the restaurant, I suggested maybe we shouldn't go bowling after all. Johnie was open. I suggested we take a walk at Lake Reba and he agreed.
I pulled into the park, we got out of the car and began taking the nearest walking path. It was a bit chilly. After only a couple of steps, we spotted a pink plastic bracelet on the ground. I looked around at a practically empty park and decided it's owner was gone. I claimed it for myself. It easily cost less than $5, but I loved pink so I was excited about the find.
We continued walking. While it wasn't very warm, I found it tolerable. Johnie, however, was shivering. The more we walked, the more he shivered. While he protested that he was fine, I insisted that we should return to the car, head back to the apartment, and decide from there how to spend the rest of the evening.
Back in the car, Johnie began to talk. "I had a really great time last night." I replied, "Yeah, me too." He continued, "So, at the end of the night, when we were standing outside your apartment I really wanted to kiss you." I tried to contain my smile - I hadn't expected him to begin to verbalize his feelings for me this quickly.
"So, what do you think about that?" Wait a minute. What do I think about that?!? What's he getting at? What kind of question is that? Is he asking me if I will make out with him?!?!?!
"I don't understand what you're asking," I said.
"Well, how do you feel about knowing I wanted to kiss you last night?" he asked again.
I was not going to agree to make out with him! "What kind of answer are you looking for?" I inquired, trying not to jump to conclusions.
"An honest one," was his reply.
Oh, good grief! He was impossible! Seconds ticked away while my mind formulated a rant about how he could take his bracelet and get back on a plane if he thought he could come out here and get fresh with me.
I opted to tentatively reserve my judgement until I had the facts. He was a boy. His true intentions would be revealed quickly enough. I hesitantly offered, "That's... sweet, ... I guess." I held my breath waiting for what was next. I half expected a request to just stay in and cuddle on the couch that night. I could feel my anger, and my embarrassment for not seeing this coming, start to rise.
I wasn't prepared in the slightest for what came next.
"Well, I'm glad I didn't kiss you. Because even though it felt like a date, it wasn't a date. We're just friends. And we can never be anything but friends. Kissing would mean we're in a relationship, and I don't want to go there with you. I really like our friendship. We would never work as anything more."
What had been one of the most memorable and happy weekends of my life quickly took a turn for the worst. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. This felt like the worst rejection, the worst break-up of my life, even though there was nothing to break up. According to Johnie, I wasn't even worth trying to have anything with. I was apparently mistaken about what I thought was chemistry between us; he was glad (glad!) we didn't kiss.
One thing I have learned about Johnie, something that I didn't know about him then, is that when he is trying to explain something, trying to get a point across, he will continue to talk for as long as it takes until he is 100% certain you are perfectly clear on where he stands. This typically takes a verbal, "I get it," or "yeah, okay, I understand."
"I'm glad I didn't kiss you" was a bit of a blow, but at "we would never work" I began a mental spiral into a black abyss. I gripped the steering wheel and focused on driving. I choked back tears. I was too busy with my internal dialogue to respond to Johnie. While his words sounded distant, I wasn't lucky enough for them to be incomprehensible.
As I kicked myself for opening up to a complete stranger 800 miles away, and played back over moments throughout the weekend where I had been certain he had feelings for me, too, I was able to hear each reason why we could never make it, why he didn't want to go out with me, why he only wanted to be friends.
I had been broken up with before. It wasn't this bad. Even though some guys can be jerks, they're usually at least somewhat concerned with your feelings. There's usually at least an obligatory, "I'm sorry," or "You're really great, I just don't think now is the right time for me." Johnie offered none of that. He just had a very straightforward and what seemed like never-ending list of reasons why I wasn't good enough to be considered dating potential for him.
I felt like a fighter who had just been completely knocked out in the ring, except the fight wasn't over. I was continually being kicked in the stomach while I was down. I remember wanting him to just shut up, but not having the energy or the words to tell him so. I remember thinking that this was one of the worst rejections of my life. I remember thinking that this would probably go down as one of the worst days of my life.
That thought coincided with my turning into my driveway. My arm came into view with the little pink bracelet on it. The one I had slipped on my wrist just minutes earlier when I was playing a fun little cat and mouse game with a handsome man who flew in just to court me. Feeling completely defeated, but still genuinely liking the little bracelet, I tried to salvage something from the horrible day and thought, "at least I got a bracelet out of it."
Johnie stopped mid-sentence. A pause similar to the one the day before that had made my heart soar. This time our eyes had not met. I look at his face and followed his gaze squarely to the bracelet on my wrist. The gold bracelet he had given me. I didn't just think "at least I got a bracelet out of it," I said it.
And while I was talking about the pink bracelet, Johnie thought I was talking about the gold one. He thought I was saying that if we couldn't have a relationship, at least I got a bracelet out of the whole thing. Not wanting to share my devastation with him, I quickly stumbled through, "Oh, no... not this bracelet, this one. I was thinking that the day hadn't gone very well... you know, with the not going bowling and then it being too cold for a walk. But, hey, at least I got a bracelet out of it." I snapped the pink bracelet and offered a smile.
We walked upstairs. I felt like I was carrying a heavy weight. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the rest of Johnie's visit. I hoped he would work something out to leave early.
Back inside the apartment, Sarah greeted us with a smile, oblivious to what had just happened. I thanked God for her smiling face. She carried that evening. I don't remember much about it except being ready to take Johnie back to where I found him, drive away, and get on with my life, trying not to care what he decided to do with his.
That issue was cleared up for me on Saturday morning. My family had arrived at my apartment, and there was excitement in the air as I prepared for my graduation ceremony. A day I honestly thought I would never achieve.
As I put on make-up and fixed my hair in my bedroom, John visited with my family in the living room. I don't even remember what exactly was going on, or what words were coming out of my mouth, but I was hastily walking from one room to the other having a conversation with my mom. I think I may have needed to ask my grandfather a question about something.
Once in the living room, I think Johnie may have been talking about something. I'm not sure. What I will never forget, what I remember exactly, was that moment where time seemed to pause. Johnie was sitting on a couch in my living room, his elbow resting on the arm rest. His hand stopped in mid air as if he had been in the middle of explaining something. It was one of those moments when our eyes met and the rest of the world around us went a little blurry. He stammered. "Uhhhh... you look pretty."
That was enough. I knew. I knew there was chemistry for him, I knew there was attraction for him. Now, all I had to do was wait patiently (something I am not good at) for him to work up the courage to verbalize it. I didn't know if it would happen during this trip or not. I didn't know when it would happen. I just knew, at some point, we were going to take a shot at making something work between us.
The weekend continued nicely. I graduated. I had a party. Johnie gave me a gold bracelet as a graduation gift. We attended the church meeting in which the preacher, a friend, improvised his lesson to include dating tips for Johnie. (That wasn't embarrassing!) As Saturday night was coming to a close, Johnie said he wasn't ready for it to end. We went to Applebee's. This time it felt like a date. We talked. We laughed. Older couples looked at us and then smiled at each other. It was great.
Sunday was another nice day. The temperature had dropped, but we were still having a good time. Back at the apartment after church we decided to go to Casa, my favorite Mexican restaurant, for lunch. My roommate politely declined our offer for her to join us. While at Casa, we discussed plans for the evening.
Johnie wanted to go bowling. He talked about how he loved to bowl, how he was a bowling instructor for little kids for a short period of time, how he had this special curve ball maneuver that more often than not resulted in a strike. I agreed, but as the meal went on, I became more and more anxious.
I was in a dress and would have to go back to the apartment to change. I had only bowled a couple times and wasn't very good. My bowling strategy was to see how many laughs I could get in my game. Johnie seemed to prefer when I didn't act like a goofball in public. It felt like a recipe for disaster.
Driving away from the restaurant, I suggested maybe we shouldn't go bowling after all. Johnie was open. I suggested we take a walk at Lake Reba and he agreed.
I pulled into the park, we got out of the car and began taking the nearest walking path. It was a bit chilly. After only a couple of steps, we spotted a pink plastic bracelet on the ground. I looked around at a practically empty park and decided it's owner was gone. I claimed it for myself. It easily cost less than $5, but I loved pink so I was excited about the find.
We continued walking. While it wasn't very warm, I found it tolerable. Johnie, however, was shivering. The more we walked, the more he shivered. While he protested that he was fine, I insisted that we should return to the car, head back to the apartment, and decide from there how to spend the rest of the evening.
Back in the car, Johnie began to talk. "I had a really great time last night." I replied, "Yeah, me too." He continued, "So, at the end of the night, when we were standing outside your apartment I really wanted to kiss you." I tried to contain my smile - I hadn't expected him to begin to verbalize his feelings for me this quickly.
"So, what do you think about that?" Wait a minute. What do I think about that?!? What's he getting at? What kind of question is that? Is he asking me if I will make out with him?!?!?!
"I don't understand what you're asking," I said.
"Well, how do you feel about knowing I wanted to kiss you last night?" he asked again.
I was not going to agree to make out with him! "What kind of answer are you looking for?" I inquired, trying not to jump to conclusions.
"An honest one," was his reply.
Oh, good grief! He was impossible! Seconds ticked away while my mind formulated a rant about how he could take his bracelet and get back on a plane if he thought he could come out here and get fresh with me.
I opted to tentatively reserve my judgement until I had the facts. He was a boy. His true intentions would be revealed quickly enough. I hesitantly offered, "That's... sweet, ... I guess." I held my breath waiting for what was next. I half expected a request to just stay in and cuddle on the couch that night. I could feel my anger, and my embarrassment for not seeing this coming, start to rise.
I wasn't prepared in the slightest for what came next.
"Well, I'm glad I didn't kiss you. Because even though it felt like a date, it wasn't a date. We're just friends. And we can never be anything but friends. Kissing would mean we're in a relationship, and I don't want to go there with you. I really like our friendship. We would never work as anything more."
What had been one of the most memorable and happy weekends of my life quickly took a turn for the worst. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated. This felt like the worst rejection, the worst break-up of my life, even though there was nothing to break up. According to Johnie, I wasn't even worth trying to have anything with. I was apparently mistaken about what I thought was chemistry between us; he was glad (glad!) we didn't kiss.
One thing I have learned about Johnie, something that I didn't know about him then, is that when he is trying to explain something, trying to get a point across, he will continue to talk for as long as it takes until he is 100% certain you are perfectly clear on where he stands. This typically takes a verbal, "I get it," or "yeah, okay, I understand."
"I'm glad I didn't kiss you" was a bit of a blow, but at "we would never work" I began a mental spiral into a black abyss. I gripped the steering wheel and focused on driving. I choked back tears. I was too busy with my internal dialogue to respond to Johnie. While his words sounded distant, I wasn't lucky enough for them to be incomprehensible.
As I kicked myself for opening up to a complete stranger 800 miles away, and played back over moments throughout the weekend where I had been certain he had feelings for me, too, I was able to hear each reason why we could never make it, why he didn't want to go out with me, why he only wanted to be friends.
I had been broken up with before. It wasn't this bad. Even though some guys can be jerks, they're usually at least somewhat concerned with your feelings. There's usually at least an obligatory, "I'm sorry," or "You're really great, I just don't think now is the right time for me." Johnie offered none of that. He just had a very straightforward and what seemed like never-ending list of reasons why I wasn't good enough to be considered dating potential for him.
I felt like a fighter who had just been completely knocked out in the ring, except the fight wasn't over. I was continually being kicked in the stomach while I was down. I remember wanting him to just shut up, but not having the energy or the words to tell him so. I remember thinking that this was one of the worst rejections of my life. I remember thinking that this would probably go down as one of the worst days of my life.
That thought coincided with my turning into my driveway. My arm came into view with the little pink bracelet on it. The one I had slipped on my wrist just minutes earlier when I was playing a fun little cat and mouse game with a handsome man who flew in just to court me. Feeling completely defeated, but still genuinely liking the little bracelet, I tried to salvage something from the horrible day and thought, "at least I got a bracelet out of it."
Johnie stopped mid-sentence. A pause similar to the one the day before that had made my heart soar. This time our eyes had not met. I look at his face and followed his gaze squarely to the bracelet on my wrist. The gold bracelet he had given me. I didn't just think "at least I got a bracelet out of it," I said it.
And while I was talking about the pink bracelet, Johnie thought I was talking about the gold one. He thought I was saying that if we couldn't have a relationship, at least I got a bracelet out of the whole thing. Not wanting to share my devastation with him, I quickly stumbled through, "Oh, no... not this bracelet, this one. I was thinking that the day hadn't gone very well... you know, with the not going bowling and then it being too cold for a walk. But, hey, at least I got a bracelet out of it." I snapped the pink bracelet and offered a smile.
We walked upstairs. I felt like I was carrying a heavy weight. I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the rest of Johnie's visit. I hoped he would work something out to leave early.
Back inside the apartment, Sarah greeted us with a smile, oblivious to what had just happened. I thanked God for her smiling face. She carried that evening. I don't remember much about it except being ready to take Johnie back to where I found him, drive away, and get on with my life, trying not to care what he decided to do with his.
Friday, February 25, 2011
And we meet!
I later learned he had serious reservations about making the trip. He wasn't so sure about meeting me. Thankfully, our mutual friends provided just enough encouragement to get him on the plane.
I joked about holding a cheesy sign and acting absolutely crazy when I saw him. While I did bring a cheesy sign just in case we wouldn't recognize each other, untrue to my character, I was unable to calm my nerves and gain enough courage to "go crazy" when I saw him.
This worked out to my advantage. I know Johnie well enough now to know that had I made a scene, he probably would have boarded the next flight to Wichita and pretended he didn't even know me.
I remember waiting nervously at the bottom of an escalator in the airport where new arrivals descended on their way to baggage claim. I arrived half an hour early. My eyes jumped between the arrivals/departures board and the escalator. His flight arrived. My eyes stayed glued on the escalator, waiting to see him. A few people headed down. And then I saw him. My knees went a little weak, and my heart melted just a bit. I was relieved that he was as handsome as his pictures. And, he had worn dress slacks and a dress shirt. He was endearing.
And nervous. Our eyes locked and we both smiled as he continued his ride down the escalator. In my mind I had imagined that there would be a warm embrace and a couple minutes of small talk there, before we left the airport. In actuality, he stepped toward me, said "hi" with a shaky voice and made a bee line for the door. I had trouble keeping up with his long strides and from a step behind I asked about his day and his flight. He provided short answers, always looking straight ahead. I was finally able to reach my hand out and stop him before he made it to the door. He turned and I said something about owing him a hug for flying out to Kentucky. It was awkward.
We left the airport and stopped at Olive Garden for lunch. He was obviously nervous and still visibly shaking. I was trying to recall things I learned in several of my communication classes to bolster our lack of conversation. The awkwardness was thick. As we ate in mostly silence I began to wonder if this had all been a mistake. If the chemistry, in fact, wasn't there.
I thought maybe he already knew I wasn't for him. Maybe he was already thinking of heading back home (he joked before his flight that he planned to stay until Wednesday, but could always get an earlier flight back if needed). This wouldn't be the last time I would have to push through the awkwardness that weekend.
After we finished eating, we drove around Lexington and took some back roads to Richmond so I could show him some of the beauty of the state. Things became more relaxed. Later that evening, we made a trip to Wal-Mart so he could pick up hairspray (yes, I gave him a hard time about it) that he had failed to pack. As we stood in line at the Wal-Mart and chatted (we were chatting now!), he leaned up against a post or a rail there by the register, his hands in his pockets. We were laughing. Our eyes met. I'm not sure if it was because this was the first time I saw him truly as he was (and not a nervous wreck), or if my nerves had taken several hours to settle, but that moment changed everything.
He was even more tall, dark, and handsome than his pictures or his airport arrival. It was there in the Richmond Wal-Mart, standing in the checkout line, with our eyes locked, sharing a joke, that I knew I would marry him if I ever had the chance.
I mean, you know, as long as everything checked out and went okay and he didn't make any mistakes or turn out to be a creep, or I didn't find out anything crazy about his past. I was smitten, but I wasn't stupid. And yes, that was my actual internal dialogue.
I joked about holding a cheesy sign and acting absolutely crazy when I saw him. While I did bring a cheesy sign just in case we wouldn't recognize each other, untrue to my character, I was unable to calm my nerves and gain enough courage to "go crazy" when I saw him.
This worked out to my advantage. I know Johnie well enough now to know that had I made a scene, he probably would have boarded the next flight to Wichita and pretended he didn't even know me.
I remember waiting nervously at the bottom of an escalator in the airport where new arrivals descended on their way to baggage claim. I arrived half an hour early. My eyes jumped between the arrivals/departures board and the escalator. His flight arrived. My eyes stayed glued on the escalator, waiting to see him. A few people headed down. And then I saw him. My knees went a little weak, and my heart melted just a bit. I was relieved that he was as handsome as his pictures. And, he had worn dress slacks and a dress shirt. He was endearing.
And nervous. Our eyes locked and we both smiled as he continued his ride down the escalator. In my mind I had imagined that there would be a warm embrace and a couple minutes of small talk there, before we left the airport. In actuality, he stepped toward me, said "hi" with a shaky voice and made a bee line for the door. I had trouble keeping up with his long strides and from a step behind I asked about his day and his flight. He provided short answers, always looking straight ahead. I was finally able to reach my hand out and stop him before he made it to the door. He turned and I said something about owing him a hug for flying out to Kentucky. It was awkward.
We left the airport and stopped at Olive Garden for lunch. He was obviously nervous and still visibly shaking. I was trying to recall things I learned in several of my communication classes to bolster our lack of conversation. The awkwardness was thick. As we ate in mostly silence I began to wonder if this had all been a mistake. If the chemistry, in fact, wasn't there.
I thought maybe he already knew I wasn't for him. Maybe he was already thinking of heading back home (he joked before his flight that he planned to stay until Wednesday, but could always get an earlier flight back if needed). This wouldn't be the last time I would have to push through the awkwardness that weekend.
After we finished eating, we drove around Lexington and took some back roads to Richmond so I could show him some of the beauty of the state. Things became more relaxed. Later that evening, we made a trip to Wal-Mart so he could pick up hairspray (yes, I gave him a hard time about it) that he had failed to pack. As we stood in line at the Wal-Mart and chatted (we were chatting now!), he leaned up against a post or a rail there by the register, his hands in his pockets. We were laughing. Our eyes met. I'm not sure if it was because this was the first time I saw him truly as he was (and not a nervous wreck), or if my nerves had taken several hours to settle, but that moment changed everything.
He was even more tall, dark, and handsome than his pictures or his airport arrival. It was there in the Richmond Wal-Mart, standing in the checkout line, with our eyes locked, sharing a joke, that I knew I would marry him if I ever had the chance.
I mean, you know, as long as everything checked out and went okay and he didn't make any mistakes or turn out to be a creep, or I didn't find out anything crazy about his past. I was smitten, but I wasn't stupid. And yes, that was my actual internal dialogue.
Winter turns to spring...
Johnie and I continued to talk via phone, e-mail, instant messanger, and even web cam as the weeks went on. I was at a very pivotal point in my life then: finishing up my bachelor's degree and faced with what to do next. I am still stuck with some of those same conundrums now that I was then.
Back then, I wanted to pursue advanced degrees to continue learning, research and teaching in the field of communication which fascinates and intrigues me even still. But, I knew that the time and energy I wanted to devote to this path would prevent me from investing the time and energy I wanted to devote to having a family "someday." There was no hope of a family in sight for me, and acceptances came in from a couple graduate programs.
Johnie became my sounding board during that time. Because we had never met in person, he was like a friend in all the ways that friends are wonderful (offering support and encouragement) and a stranger in all the ways strangers are wonderful (if they reject you or think you're crazy, then their opinion doesn't really matter and you just move on). I poured out everything to him because I didn't really have another outlet, and making the right decision consumed me. He was kind of like a diary that would actually listen and give advice.
I was accepted to the University of Texas at Austin, one of the top communication programs in the nation, and had the opportunity to visit the campus to help make my decision. After many long hours of deliberation, prayer, and discussions with Johnie and others, I opted to begin graduate school (again, I had no idea when or if I would ever have a family, and several open doors to continue my education) at the University of Kentucky.
This was an easier commitment financially and personally. I also reasoned that the UT-Austin would still be there as I continued my education.
I will have to say that my life and my decisions have turned out well, but I still wonder how things would have turned out had I chosen Texas. I guess it's probably a good thing we can't plug in options retrospectively to see how things would have been if. I digress...
Possibly because I opened up to Johnie, he opened up to me. As I learned more and more about him, my opinion of him also grew. While we were polar opposites in some ways, we were very compatible in others. We had experienced several very similar circumstances and shared a similar worldview. Our life goals matched amazingly. He seemed too good to be true.
I am thankful for the values my grandmother instilled in me at a very young age, and for the fact that I chose to follow them with Johnie (unfortunately I hadn't always made the best choices). Because I set out to be a lady my grandmother would be proud of, I set certain limits with Johnie. You may recall that I had refused to be the first one to e-mail, and technically the first one to call. I also refused to be the first one to make the 800 mile trek for a visit.
But boy did I ever want to lay eyes on this boy. The Amy of a couple years prior would have been on the first plane to Kansas, old fashioned values aside. Instead, I opted to utilize my communication skills in covertly convincing Johnie to visit Kentucky. He didn't make it easy on me. Without my rule, I would have been in Kansas in February. Johnie was not so willing to travel nor to pick up on my hints.
I was constantly looking for reasons for him to come to Kentucky. He was always rebutting with excuses why he wouldn't be able to make it. God rewarded my efforts in May. My graduation coincided with a church meeting in the area. I invited him to the meeting and pointed out he'd also be able to be part of my graduation celebration. He tentatively agreed. He never really committed.
As the date of his possible arrival approached, he informed me he bought a plane ticket. That means he's coming, right? Well, not with Johnie.
Three days before we were to meet, he called me to let me know his grandmother had injured her foot pretty badly and he didn't know if he would be able to make it after all. The calls and e-mails pretty much stopped at that point. I waited. I paced. I prayed. I stared at my phone. The night before I was to pick him up at the airport, I broke down. I called him. And left a message. I didn't want either one of us to be stood up at the airport. Around 10:30, I called back. He answered. He was coming.
Back then, I wanted to pursue advanced degrees to continue learning, research and teaching in the field of communication which fascinates and intrigues me even still. But, I knew that the time and energy I wanted to devote to this path would prevent me from investing the time and energy I wanted to devote to having a family "someday." There was no hope of a family in sight for me, and acceptances came in from a couple graduate programs.
Johnie became my sounding board during that time. Because we had never met in person, he was like a friend in all the ways that friends are wonderful (offering support and encouragement) and a stranger in all the ways strangers are wonderful (if they reject you or think you're crazy, then their opinion doesn't really matter and you just move on). I poured out everything to him because I didn't really have another outlet, and making the right decision consumed me. He was kind of like a diary that would actually listen and give advice.
I was accepted to the University of Texas at Austin, one of the top communication programs in the nation, and had the opportunity to visit the campus to help make my decision. After many long hours of deliberation, prayer, and discussions with Johnie and others, I opted to begin graduate school (again, I had no idea when or if I would ever have a family, and several open doors to continue my education) at the University of Kentucky.
This was an easier commitment financially and personally. I also reasoned that the UT-Austin would still be there as I continued my education.
I will have to say that my life and my decisions have turned out well, but I still wonder how things would have turned out had I chosen Texas. I guess it's probably a good thing we can't plug in options retrospectively to see how things would have been if. I digress...
Possibly because I opened up to Johnie, he opened up to me. As I learned more and more about him, my opinion of him also grew. While we were polar opposites in some ways, we were very compatible in others. We had experienced several very similar circumstances and shared a similar worldview. Our life goals matched amazingly. He seemed too good to be true.
I am thankful for the values my grandmother instilled in me at a very young age, and for the fact that I chose to follow them with Johnie (unfortunately I hadn't always made the best choices). Because I set out to be a lady my grandmother would be proud of, I set certain limits with Johnie. You may recall that I had refused to be the first one to e-mail, and technically the first one to call. I also refused to be the first one to make the 800 mile trek for a visit.
But boy did I ever want to lay eyes on this boy. The Amy of a couple years prior would have been on the first plane to Kansas, old fashioned values aside. Instead, I opted to utilize my communication skills in covertly convincing Johnie to visit Kentucky. He didn't make it easy on me. Without my rule, I would have been in Kansas in February. Johnie was not so willing to travel nor to pick up on my hints.
I was constantly looking for reasons for him to come to Kentucky. He was always rebutting with excuses why he wouldn't be able to make it. God rewarded my efforts in May. My graduation coincided with a church meeting in the area. I invited him to the meeting and pointed out he'd also be able to be part of my graduation celebration. He tentatively agreed. He never really committed.
As the date of his possible arrival approached, he informed me he bought a plane ticket. That means he's coming, right? Well, not with Johnie.
Three days before we were to meet, he called me to let me know his grandmother had injured her foot pretty badly and he didn't know if he would be able to make it after all. The calls and e-mails pretty much stopped at that point. I waited. I paced. I prayed. I stared at my phone. The night before I was to pick him up at the airport, I broke down. I called him. And left a message. I didn't want either one of us to be stood up at the airport. Around 10:30, I called back. He answered. He was coming.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Big Dance
*** Some names and identifying information have been changed to protect those I do not wish to hurt or embarass. ***
Johnie unknowingly earned major bonus points when there was a second e-mail in my inbox that same evening. A hardcore player would have never made such a move. There was a sweetness about him in those first e-mails that I still can't quite put my finger on. One of the things that I admire most about my husband is his "what you see is what you get" attitude. You may not like it, but you always know how he feels.
So, not seeing any signs of anything other than a friendship, I continued my life as I had prior to January 8th, and didn't hide it from him. I actually went out at least once during that time with my ex. I met a neighbor who had a motorcycle I wanted to ride and went on a couple dates with him (there'll be more about him later).
Johnie unknowingly earned major bonus points when there was a second e-mail in my inbox that same evening. A hardcore player would have never made such a move. There was a sweetness about him in those first e-mails that I still can't quite put my finger on. One of the things that I admire most about my husband is his "what you see is what you get" attitude. You may not like it, but you always know how he feels.
We talked through e-mails and instant messages for hours each evening that first week. By the end of the week, we had exchanged phone numbers. I was determined not to make that first phone call. Whenever he would bring it up, I would always say I felt he should be the one to call me first. His reply was always that he was too shy to call. My determination wore thin as the weeks went on. After several weeks with no phone call, I received an e-mail from Johnie letting me know he was home sick from work. I think if Johnie were telling this part, he would say that I gave him a call that day because I was worried about him. While I made it clear that I was calling as a concerned friend, not as a girl, the truth is I was dying to hear his voice. I couldn't wait any longer and jumped at the chance of using an excuse to call and check on him without technically being the one to make the first phone call. (We both loved each other's voices, by the way. I kept my opinion to myself for many months. He told me right away. :) )
While I pressed during those weeks to find out which direction he wanted our "friendship" to go, he seemed oblivious to my not so subtle hints. I thought then that he was just playing it cool. I know now he just had no idea. I thought maybe there were other girls he had similar friendships with, whom he also ignored when they said things like, "you know Gary was setting us up, right?" (To which his actual response was, "I don't know. It doesn't matter though. Doesn't hurt to have another friend.") I didn't mind just being his friend, but I did want to know whether or not he was open to considering any other type of relationship with me.So, not seeing any signs of anything other than a friendship, I continued my life as I had prior to January 8th, and didn't hide it from him. I actually went out at least once during that time with my ex. I met a neighbor who had a motorcycle I wanted to ride and went on a couple dates with him (there'll be more about him later).
In February, EKU was having what I've decided to call "the big dance" for purposes of this post. It was the type of dance that you bought a special dress for. And I didn't go to prom in high school, so this would be my first dance that required a special dress. My roommate and I decided to go - without dates. However, someone did offer to set us up with two guys. Without knowing anything about them, I convinced Sarah to do a double blind date with me. We joked that it may be amazing, or we may have a great story to tell. I jokingly said we may be getting two hairy imbeciles. Below is my (edited) account written the week after the big dance:
They were late, to begin with. They did bring corsages, but Sarah's had a stain on it. Only my date, Charlie, came upstairs to our apartment and said that Michael didn't like coming up stairs. After about two minutes, Michael does come up the stairs. HE DID NOT SAY ONE WORD... I asked him a direct question, and he didn't even say anything. Michael is in the car with it running before the rest of us are out the door. The first words Michael says are when we pull up to the stop light at the end of my road. It was starting to snow, and he says, "I hate the snow." After a bit of a pause... "Because it's not rain." Another pause... "Because its not enough to need the windshield wipers, but it's enough to need the windshield wipers." Then after a great story about how their rooms are messy and their mom gets mad at them for not cleaning their rooms, Charlie says, "Michael's irritable." Michael's reply, "Well, that means I'm alive... Things that are irritable are alive"
Charlie: "I'm not irritable, and I'm alive."
Michael: "Well, if some one poked you with a pin, would you jump?"
Charlie: "Depends on where they would poke me."
Michael: "Well, if you jump, then you're irritable."
So, we finally make it to campus - they park on the other side of campus, so Sarah and I trek in our high heels and fancy dresses through the snow and nasty slush. Michael is walking way ahead of us the whole time.
We finally get inside, to the actual dance, and meet up with some friends. We all get a table and sit down, except Michael. He just stands there. We ALL invite him to sit down - he still stands. After a couple minutes, a swing song comes on, and a couple of people at the table could really swing, so they go out on the dance floor and we follow to watch them. Michael then sits down.
Okay, taking the attention off Michael for a moment and switching it to Charlie, my date. Shortly after the swing song, a slow song comes on, and he invites me to dance with him. I do. So, it is just really awkward... I can't dance, but he just really didn't know what he was doing. Then, the dance floor gets crowded, so he's like, "maybe we should dance closer." DON'T THINK SO!!!! And NOT smooth AT ALL.
We return to our table and try really hard to be sociable to Michael. We asked him what his major was, he told them Environmental Health Science. Then he says, "I could tell you things about food that would make you never want to eat again." Cindy says, "well, I love to eat, so I doubt that." He says, "Do you like chocolate? Chocolate has maggots in it!" Then, they talk on and he says, "I hate music... I'm just trying to block people out... I'm not very social, this is the most social I've been in years." Not knowing how to respond to that, Sarah says, "Oh, well, I'm really social." His reply, "You could call me.... anti-social."
Charlie tells me we can go outside to cool off. (It was hot upstairs.) It's snowing outside! So, I say no. He says we can at least go downstairs. I agree because I'm thinking like 5 minutes in the lobby area. No, he walks down into this foyer, and sits down on this couch so that when I sat down beside of him, we would be sitting really close. I walk all the way around to the other side to sit down. Like right out of a cheesy low budget movie, he slides closer, and I slide further away until only half of me is sitting on this couch. He told me about himself (by the way, among the things that he likes are power ballads and Japanese anime). He asked me what type of music I like, and when I answered contemporary christian, he clarified for me that he meant what type (his two examples were ballads and power ballads... again power ballads are his pick).
So, we do finally make it to the end of the evening, and he says that I was so much more than he ever expected. He goes on to ask me what I expected. I said, "I don't know.... a hairy imbecile..."
As far as Michael.... his mom ended up taking him home early, and he left without telling any of us goodbye... not even Sarah.
It was a crazy night, but we really did have so much fun. The whole date thing seems a bit like a nightmare though.
Sarah and I joked afterward that God was testing our character to see if we could be nice to these boys, and we were. We passed. So, now we've decided that we definitely will be blessed with two great husbands after what we endured.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I Had Mail...
The next day, a Sunday, started out as most do. I attended church services and visited with friends afterward. One close friend inquired innocently, "so any new guys this week?"
I was being honest when I said I was not looking for another relationship anytime soon, but that did not mean that I wasn't up for a free meal with handsome company whenever an opportunity arose. In my newfound singleness a few months prior, I made the decision that I wanted to experience some meaningless dates and reasoned that there was no better time than the present.
So it was that moment, in a parking lot in Lexington, KY that I uttered my first words ever about my now husband. I replied, "Ummm, not really. A family friend called yesterday and I gave him my e-mail to give to a guy he goes to church with. There's not really any potential there, though. The guy sounded like he's probably a project. I don't even think I'm going to e-mail him back."
Amanda laughed, "I don't know. Sounds promising to me."
I returned to my apartment, checked my e-mail, and read this:
I was being honest when I said I was not looking for another relationship anytime soon, but that did not mean that I wasn't up for a free meal with handsome company whenever an opportunity arose. In my newfound singleness a few months prior, I made the decision that I wanted to experience some meaningless dates and reasoned that there was no better time than the present.
So it was that moment, in a parking lot in Lexington, KY that I uttered my first words ever about my now husband. I replied, "Ummm, not really. A family friend called yesterday and I gave him my e-mail to give to a guy he goes to church with. There's not really any potential there, though. The guy sounded like he's probably a project. I don't even think I'm going to e-mail him back."
Amanda laughed, "I don't know. Sounds promising to me."
I returned to my apartment, checked my e-mail, and read this:
Hello Amy,
My name is Johnie Karr, Gary Barrett gave me your e-mail. I don't really know what to say here, so I guess I'll just tell you a little about myself, an introduction so to speak.
I'm 22. I work for the local cable company (COX Communications) as a field technician. My official title is Field Service representative II Developing. The II Developing means I just got promoted to internet technician, so I work on video and internet, installs, trouble calls, disconnects...any thing out in the field. It's a job with many ups and downs, but more ups than downs. For instance, I like the benefits, I don't like the big dogs that try to eat me everyday, I like the pay, but I hate almost getting run over while blocking off traffic. Sorry, I ramble sometimes. On top of working for COX I am starting my own company, Data Management Technologies. It's mostly a database management company. I build universal and custom data entry software (web-based), like inventory control software, or for a Baptist church I'm building like a college/student program for self registration and allowing students to enroll in classes themselves. I guess it would be easier for me to say anything that needs a database.
[I know Gary from church.] I've known him since I was 5, when I moved to Wichita. I play a couple roles in the church here in Wichita, I preach every now and then (I said I preach, not preach well), and I maintain the website (www.godsbible.org)
I'm really not sure what else to write about...I'm pretty shy about meeting new people.
Tell me about yourself and ask any questions....I find it easy to answer questions ;)
On messenger I am the following:
Yahoo: lords_word
AIM: johniecooking
Cya,
Johnie Karr
I am not sure if my expectations for this first e-mail were so low that just receiving a message from a coherent male was enough to impress me, or if there was some divine intervention at work even at this early stage, but I read something totally different from what you see above. Several years later, I honestly don't know why I was so impressed with this first e-mail, or how I read into it (and a second e-mail he sent later that same day in reply to my first response) all that I did. You may need a double take as well. What I read was:
I'm the guy Gary Barrett was telling you about. I'm hard-working and have a great sense of humor. I'm laid back and cool. I'm shy, but in a charming way. I couldn't be a player even if I wanted to be. While it doesn't sound that impressive to say I'm just a field technician, I've got big dreams and I'm not going to be in this job forever. I'm going places. It would be really easy for me to impress you with a lot of technical knowledge I have about programming, but let's just say I'm really smart and wouldn't have any problem with those deep intellectual conversations you enjoy so much. God is super important in my life, and for brevity, we can just say that we have the exact same spiritual beliefs across the board. Oh, and in case it's not obvious, I'm not even close to having an unhealthy attachment to my mother. Just thought you should know. I'm glad you're able to see all the things my humility prevented me from explicitly saying.
P.S. When I get married I'm going to do my own laundry and cook delicious gourmet meals for my wife every night.
I was so impressed by his second e-mail that evening (which in my defense the second one mentioned doing laundry and going to the same cooking school as Emeril Lagassi), I read it out loud to my roommate and jokingly asked, "So do you think I should just reply back, 'will you marry me?' " She didn't say anything. She just laughed. I never realized until this moment, typing this, that she probably thought I had lost my mind. Thinking back, her laugh may have been out of nervousness and awkwardness. But, as baffling as that initial attraction was, it grew exponentially for both of us from there.
And I'm sorry to skip ahead, but I do have to say that while not everything I read is completely true, most of it isn't far off the mark.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Prelude and Beginning
Johnie and I joke that ours is a match made in heaven. Not in a lovey-dovey, soul mate, destiny sort of way, but in a we-did-so-many-things-to-mess-this-all-up-there-had-to-be-some-divine-intervention sort of way. Ours isn't a story of romance, but it still warms my heart. While it has been pretty low key so far, and we could already write the ending, we have yet to discover the meat of our story. Usually we're okay with reading the pages as they slowly turn, but sometimes we do get anxious for the next chapter. Here's to enjoying our story while it's still being written!
It was an unremarkable Saturday morning in January. My only memory of the day is sitting on a couch in the living room of my apartment scrutinizing a homework assignment.
I had just completed my first week as an intern with the Legislative Research Commission, and apathy toward assignments had not yet set in. I had taken the application information serious when it said no knowledge of political science was needed. At this point I was a bit overwhelmed by the crash course in poly-sci set before me.
My work was interrupted by a phone call. Not uncommon, a family friend was on the other end. After a few minutes of chatting, he asked if I'd be willing to e-mail a "boy" he went to church with. I said no. I heard what wasn't being said on the other end of the phone, and was not interested in being part of a match-making.
I was a few months out from a serious break-up with wounds still healing. I was in no hurry to jump in to a new relationship. And I definitely was not up for my definition of chasing a boy; that is, to be the one to initiate whatever may or may not turn into any form of relationship. Undeterred, my friend asked if he could assure his friend he would receive a response if he were to e-mail me. I said no, unwilling to offer any sympathy for his shyness nor to make promises I didn't intend to keep.
By the end of the conversation, I conceded that I would read, and not just delete, any e-mail I received from this person. I recited an e-mail address, the call ended, and my day resumed.
I suppose I have one other memory from that day: the moment I realized the e-mail address I gave was a combination of my new work address and my personal address. The thought crossed my mind to leave it be with the possibility that the incorrect e-mail wouldn't even be used by this extremely shy stranger. Embarrassed, I called and provided a working e-mail address.
Johnie will tell you that he can remember exactly where he was and what he was doing when our mutual friend called to share an e-mail address. He was working that day. As our friend had just shared with me, he recently landed a job with the local cable company as a field technician. In his van, pulled off the road, he scribbled my e-mail address down and continued his work. Later that day, he received a second call with a second e-mail address.
What wonderful first impressions we made.
It was an unremarkable Saturday morning in January. My only memory of the day is sitting on a couch in the living room of my apartment scrutinizing a homework assignment.
I had just completed my first week as an intern with the Legislative Research Commission, and apathy toward assignments had not yet set in. I had taken the application information serious when it said no knowledge of political science was needed. At this point I was a bit overwhelmed by the crash course in poly-sci set before me.
My work was interrupted by a phone call. Not uncommon, a family friend was on the other end. After a few minutes of chatting, he asked if I'd be willing to e-mail a "boy" he went to church with. I said no. I heard what wasn't being said on the other end of the phone, and was not interested in being part of a match-making.
I was a few months out from a serious break-up with wounds still healing. I was in no hurry to jump in to a new relationship. And I definitely was not up for my definition of chasing a boy; that is, to be the one to initiate whatever may or may not turn into any form of relationship. Undeterred, my friend asked if he could assure his friend he would receive a response if he were to e-mail me. I said no, unwilling to offer any sympathy for his shyness nor to make promises I didn't intend to keep.
By the end of the conversation, I conceded that I would read, and not just delete, any e-mail I received from this person. I recited an e-mail address, the call ended, and my day resumed.
I suppose I have one other memory from that day: the moment I realized the e-mail address I gave was a combination of my new work address and my personal address. The thought crossed my mind to leave it be with the possibility that the incorrect e-mail wouldn't even be used by this extremely shy stranger. Embarrassed, I called and provided a working e-mail address.
Johnie will tell you that he can remember exactly where he was and what he was doing when our mutual friend called to share an e-mail address. He was working that day. As our friend had just shared with me, he recently landed a job with the local cable company as a field technician. In his van, pulled off the road, he scribbled my e-mail address down and continued his work. Later that day, he received a second call with a second e-mail address.
What wonderful first impressions we made.
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