We will never work...

So by the end of our first day together, I knew I really liked Johnie.  I knew there was chemistry, and I knew I felt attraction.  What I didn't know was how he felt. 

That issue was cleared up for me on Saturday morning.  My family had arrived at my apartment, and there was excitement in the air as I prepared for my graduation ceremony.  A day I honestly thought I would never achieve. 

As I put on make-up and fixed my hair in my bedroom, John visited with my family in the living room.  I don't even remember what exactly was going on, or what words were coming out of my mouth, but I was hastily walking from one room to the other having a conversation with my mom.  I think I may have needed to ask my grandfather a question about something. 

Once in the living room, I think Johnie may have been talking about something.  I'm not sure.  What I will never forget, what I remember exactly, was that moment where time seemed to pause.  Johnie was sitting on a couch in my living room, his elbow resting on the arm rest.  His hand stopped in mid air as if he had been in the middle of explaining something.  It was one of those moments when our eyes met and the rest of the world around us went a little blurry.  He stammered.  "Uhhhh... you look pretty."

That was enough.  I knew.  I knew there was chemistry for him, I knew there was attraction for him.  Now, all I had to do was wait patiently (something I am not good at) for him to work up the courage to verbalize it.  I didn't know if it would happen during this trip or not.  I didn't know when it would happen.  I just knew, at some point, we were going to take a shot at making something work between us.

The weekend continued nicely.  I graduated. I had a party.  Johnie gave me a gold bracelet as a graduation gift.  We attended the church meeting in which the preacher, a friend, improvised his lesson to include dating tips for Johnie.  (That wasn't embarrassing!)  As Saturday night was coming to a close, Johnie said he wasn't ready for it to end.  We went to Applebee's.  This time it felt like a date.  We talked.  We laughed.  Older couples looked at us and then smiled at each other.  It was great.

Sunday was another nice day.  The temperature had dropped, but we were still having a good time.  Back at the apartment after church we decided to go to Casa, my favorite Mexican restaurant, for lunch.  My roommate politely declined our offer for her to join us.  While at Casa, we discussed plans for the evening. 

Johnie wanted to go bowling.  He talked about how he loved to bowl, how he was a bowling instructor for little kids for a short period of time, how he had this special curve ball maneuver that more often than not resulted in a strike.  I agreed, but as the meal went on, I became more and more anxious. 

I was in a dress and would have to go back to the apartment to change.  I had only bowled a couple times and wasn't very good.  My bowling strategy was to see how many laughs I could get in my game.  Johnie seemed to prefer when I didn't act like a goofball in public.  It felt like a recipe for disaster. 

Driving away from the restaurant, I suggested maybe we shouldn't go bowling after all.  Johnie was open.  I suggested we take a walk at Lake Reba and he agreed. 

I pulled into the park, we got out of the car and began taking the nearest walking path.  It was a bit chilly.  After only a couple of steps, we spotted a pink plastic bracelet on the ground.  I looked around at a practically empty park and decided it's owner was gone.  I claimed it for myself.  It easily cost less than $5, but I loved pink so I was excited about the find. 

We continued walking.  While it wasn't very warm, I found it tolerable.  Johnie, however, was shivering.  The more we walked, the more he shivered.  While he protested that he was fine, I insisted that we should return to the car, head back to the apartment, and decide from there how to spend the rest of the evening.

Back in the car, Johnie began to talk.  "I had a really great time last night."  I replied, "Yeah, me too."  He continued, "So, at the end of the night, when we were standing outside your apartment I really wanted to kiss you."  I tried to contain my smile - I hadn't expected him to begin to verbalize his feelings for me this quickly. 

"So, what do you think about that?"  Wait a minute.  What do I think about that?!?  What's he getting at?  What kind of question is that?  Is he asking me if I will make out with him?!?!?! 

"I don't understand what you're asking," I said. 

"Well, how do you feel about knowing I wanted to kiss you last night?"  he asked again. 

I was not going to agree to make out with him!  "What kind of answer are you looking for?"  I inquired, trying not to jump to conclusions. 

"An honest one," was his reply.

Oh, good grief!  He was impossible!  Seconds ticked away while my mind formulated a rant about how he could take his bracelet and get back on a plane if he thought he could come out here and get fresh with me. 

I opted to tentatively reserve my judgement until I had the facts.  He was a boy.  His true intentions would be revealed quickly enough.  I hesitantly offered, "That's... sweet, ... I guess."  I held my breath waiting for what was next.  I half expected a request to just stay in and cuddle on the couch that night.  I could feel my anger, and my embarrassment for not seeing this coming, start to rise. 

I wasn't prepared in the slightest for what came next.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't kiss you.  Because even though it felt like a date, it wasn't a date.  We're just friends.  And we can never be anything but friends.  Kissing would mean we're in a relationship, and I don't want to go there with you.  I really like our friendship.  We would never work as anything more."

What had been one of the most memorable and happy weekends of my life quickly took a turn for the worst.  I was devastated.  Absolutely devastated.  This felt like the worst rejection, the worst break-up of my life, even though there was nothing to break up.  According to Johnie, I wasn't even worth trying to have anything with.  I was apparently mistaken about what I thought was chemistry between us; he was glad (glad!) we didn't kiss. 

One thing I have learned about Johnie, something that I didn't know about him then, is that when he is trying to explain something, trying to get a point across, he will continue to talk for as long as it takes until he is 100% certain you are perfectly clear on where he stands.  This typically takes a verbal, "I get it," or "yeah, okay, I understand." 

"I'm glad I didn't kiss you" was a bit of a blow, but at "we would never work" I began a mental spiral into a black abyss.  I gripped the steering wheel and focused on driving.  I choked back tears.  I was too busy with my internal dialogue to respond to Johnie.  While his words sounded distant, I wasn't lucky enough for them to be incomprehensible.

As I kicked myself for opening up to a complete stranger 800 miles away, and played back over moments throughout the weekend where I had been certain he had feelings for me, too, I was able to hear each reason why we could never make it, why he didn't want to go out with me, why he only wanted to be friends. 

I had been broken up with before.  It wasn't this bad.  Even though some guys can be jerks, they're usually at least somewhat concerned with your feelings.  There's usually at least an obligatory, "I'm sorry," or "You're really great, I just don't think now is the right time for me."  Johnie offered none of that.  He just had a very straightforward and what seemed like never-ending list of reasons why I wasn't good enough to be considered dating potential for him. 

I felt like a fighter who had just been completely knocked out in the ring, except the fight wasn't over.  I was continually being kicked in the stomach while I was down.  I remember wanting him to just shut up, but not having the energy or the words to tell him so.  I remember thinking that this was one of the worst rejections of my life.  I remember thinking that this would probably go down as one of the worst days of my life. 

That thought coincided with my turning into my driveway.  My arm came into view with the little pink bracelet on it.  The one I had slipped on my wrist just minutes earlier when I was playing a fun little cat and mouse game with a handsome man who flew in just to court me.  Feeling completely defeated, but still genuinely liking the little bracelet, I tried to salvage something from the horrible day and thought, "at least I got a bracelet out of it."

Johnie stopped mid-sentence.  A pause similar to the one the day before that had made my heart soar.  This time our eyes had not met.  I look at his face and followed his gaze squarely to the bracelet on my wrist.  The gold bracelet he had given me.  I didn't just think "at least I got a bracelet out of it," I said it. 

And while I was talking about the pink bracelet, Johnie thought I was talking about the gold one.  He thought I was saying that if we couldn't have a relationship, at least I got a bracelet out of the whole thing.  Not wanting to share my devastation with him, I quickly stumbled through, "Oh, no... not this bracelet, this one.  I was thinking that the day hadn't gone very well... you know, with the not going bowling and then it being too cold for a walk.  But, hey, at least I got a bracelet out of it."  I snapped the pink bracelet and offered a smile.

We walked upstairs.  I felt like I was carrying a heavy weight.  I wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the rest of Johnie's visit.  I hoped he would work something out to leave early. 

Back inside the apartment, Sarah greeted us with a smile, oblivious to what had just happened.  I thanked God for her smiling face.  She carried that evening.  I don't remember much about it except being ready to take Johnie back to where I found him, drive away, and get on with my life, trying not to care what he decided to do with his.