Just to be clear, we'll never work...

The next morning I hoped Johnie would make an excuse to cut the trip short and head back to Kansas.  I stopped short of suggesting that myself.  He did spend a lot of money coming out to meet me.  He did buy me jewelry.  He did take me out to eat.  He couldn't help it that he didn't have "feelings" for me. 

On the agenda that day was a trip to Natural Bridge, a local state park that offered amazing views and great hiking.  It was still a little chilly.  Rain sprinkled the ground and dampness hung in the air.  I offered that we didn't have to go, but Johnie was still game and I didn't insist. 

The weather matched my mood, and I loved Natural Bridge.  I had made many great memories on those trails with family and friends throughout the years and it always made me feel better.  Plus, I didn't want to stay cooped up inside all day with my rejector and I was looking forward to some physical exertion to process some of my own feelings and to boost my self confidence again.  I was still left shaken from the day before.

Johnie, on the other hand, was visibly shaking.  For some reason, today I wasn't quite as sympathetic as I had been the day before at his shivering.  We chose a trail to begin our hike, and today I am the one leaving him behind.  I allowed myself to selfishly not worry about his thoughts or feelings and pressed on the trail, doing what I felt best for myself at that moment.  As we continued up the mountain, it was obvious Johnie was quite impressed with the surroundings.  He chattered on and on about how green everything was, how beautiful everything was, seemingly unaffected by having stomped on my heart the day before.  I wanted to remain stand-offish, but I began to soften. 

I love Kentucky, and Natural Bridge is one of my favorite places.  Even though I know it belongs to Kentucky, and ultimately God, I can't help but feel a bit of ownership of that area.  I'm proud to show it to people, and love when they are impressed by it as much as I feel they should be.  I appreciated that Johnie was in awe.  And, I do have to admit, it was a beautiful day on the bridge.  Maybe not weather-wise, but the weather had created a fog that settled in the mountains.  I had never seen the bridge through a fog, and it was amazing.

As we neared the top, huge sporadic rain drops quickly intensified and turned into hail.  Johnie asked if maybe we should huddle under a tree, but I knew we were just a few feet from the bridge itself and a shelter.  We ran together the rest of the way, stopping under the shelter, which was being occupied by a group of young boy scouts.  I was thankful for them.  Their little voices were somewhat scared, somewhat excited by the rain pouring down around us.  Plus, when you're on top of a mountain in the middle of a storm, your odds of being okay increase significantly when surrounded by boy scouts, right?  I was glad we didn't have to talk, and could be content just listening to their conversations through the storm.

After the rain died down, we headed down the mountain on another trail.  I opted for the shortest one to get the hike over with.  Turns out whether in an open space or an enclosed one, I was no longer happy to spend time with the person who so adamantly and completely shot me down the day before.  I was still reeling from his words. 

At one point along the trail, during a portion that necessitated we walk single file, I hear Johnie's voice behind me, "So, what would you have done if I would have kissed you Saturday night?" 

Good grief, not this again!

Walking ahead of him, I considered the scenario.  My impulse was to say, "I would have slapped your face.  I want to turn around and strangle you right now!"  But, I reasoned with myself, just as I was currently refraining from choking him, I probably wouldn't have slapped him because of a kiss on Saturday night. 

I still didn't want to come off as "easy" though, and was unsure what my response would have been.  I thought about Johnie kissing me that night in front of my door.  How would I have reacted, honestly?  Would I have liked it?  Probably it would have been wonderful.  Sweet.  Amazing.  I would have kissed him back. 

But, maybe not.  It might have been gross.  I had kissed and been kissed before.  Some were better than others.  I might have hated it and wiped my mouth off right in front of him, or made a face.  As I considered the possibilities, I decided the best, most honest answer was, "Well, I guess I probably would have let you."  Adding silently, a little kiss, not make out.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse between us I hear from behind me, "Like I said last night, I'm glad I didn't kiss you.  I mean, I don't know what my problem was.  It wasn't a date.  We're just friends.  And we could never be anything more.  I could never date you.  We would never work...."

As he began replaying his rejection monologue, I began reconsidering my self-restraint from strangling him.  I may be all of the things on his list of reasons why I could never be his girlfriend, but I wasn't deaf, I wasn't stupid, and I did have some self-respect.  Yesterday's rejection was bad enough, this was just cruel and uncalled for.  No one should have to put up with this! Lady-like manners were tossed aside as I let loose.

I'm not sure where he was at on his list when I loudly interrupted, "That's ridiculous!  I'm sorry, but you're just making excuses because you're either too lazy to try or too complacent to care.  I mean, it's just ridiculous!  If you don't like me, then you don't like me.  That's fine.  It's okay.  I don't need your approval to survive.  I'm fine.  You can either get through the rest of this trip by being my friend or I can take you to the airport now if you want.  I'm just sick and tired of you saying we'll never work.  If we'll never work it's because you won't put the effort in to make us work!  That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, long distance relationships never work.  Some of the best relationships I know of were long distance at some point or another...."

My rant continued for several minutes as I began offering examples of couples I knew who had made happy, long lasting marriages out of hundreds, sometimes even thousands, of miles of separation.  Older couples I knew who had been separated by war early on, friends our age whose relationships survived moves, miles, and relocations of various sorts.  We continued down the trail, passing others along the way.  I didn't care.  I was stuck with him on this mountain, and he was stuck getting a piece of my mind!

I ran out of words before I ran out of anger.  Tense silence hung between us as I mentally groped for coherent sentences instead of a string of insulting names on the tip of my tongue. 

I heard a quiet voice beside me, "I'm willing to give it a shot if you are." 

The rock in my stomach did a somersault.  My anger-focused mind turned to mush.  I was unsure how to react or respond.  I was confused.  Had I just worn him down?  Was he offering a suggestion to get me to shut up and stop embarrassing him?  Was he just going to send a break up e-mail after he was safe in Kansas and out of my strangling arms' reach? 

Wait a minute.  Isn't he the one who just delivered the worst rejection of my life twice in the last 24 hours?  I looked at him.  He was looking at me.  His eyes seemed genuine, maybe hopeful.  He even looked a little vulnerable. 

I was unsure.  I had been wrong about his non-verbal cues before.  But wasn't this what I had been asking for in my tirade?  A chance to see if we would work?  Conflicted, I said, "okay." 

It wasn't your typical official start to a dating relationship.  I don't remember a lot about the rest of the day, there were no excited smiles or embraces, we weren't giddy, nor did we jump up and down.  We internalized our feelings (mine were mostly confusion and unsurity) and finished our hike in silence.